Unexpected developments

Several things that I didn't see coming appear to be happening:

1) I have lost my appetite. This doesn't happen to me. Ever. Obviously it hasn't stopped me eating any of the things I usually find myself aimlessly putting in my mouth.

But two people have commented today on my lack of jelly belly, given that I am only a month post-partum. And I am definitely not as fat as I was immediately after I had Logie. Let's get this in perspective - I'm still a size sixteen. But losing weight without trying is not something I do. If it wasn't so bemusing, I'd punch the air.

2) I still can't stop thinking about having another baby. Perhaps this is a hormonal thing that every woman goes through after they've had the last of their planned children - a sort of rite of passage. That irresistible urge to have one more tequila shot before you leave your office Christmas party at Lucky Voice. The reconsidering of how much sleep you truly need before you have to be back at your desk, bright and early. What harm does it do to move the taxi back by an hour, or procreate one more human? In for a penny, in for a pound.

It must be partly the girl thing still. But I wonder if it's more than that, because I am flooded with thoughts like 'You like children, you're good at children, of course you want three' and 'It shouldn't only be determined by how much money you have'. Oh, and 'Why the f*ck are you dwelling on this when Felix is only 4 weeks old?'

3) Logie's poo in the bath the other day. Didn't see that coming - or even see it at all, thankfully, as Jon was bathing him that evening.

4) Suddenly, viciously, grey hairs are appearing on my head. One of the (few) great things about being ginger, I'd always believed, was that you didn't get them. You went silver or white instead of grey, but for quite a long time it actually looked like you were just getting subtly blonder. This turns out to be bullshit.

Unfortunately what is true is that ginger people have the least number of hairs on their heads, which makes it even worse that it takes me two or three goes of pulling out the surrounding hairs before finally snagging the offending grey.

To balance this all out, here are some things that I did see coming, and are indeed happening:

1) I am rather tired. So is Jon. Sometimes I get that familiar feeling upon lying down, when your body is aching all over with exhaustion and crying out to be supported along its length horizontally in a soft bed, when even though that is exactly what is happening and it's just what you need...it's somehow not enough. You need to be lying down MORE. 

You drink in the sensation it provides to your weary limbs like it were ice-cold water on a parched throat. Yes, yes, it's lovely to be lying down at last but GOD it finally makes you realise how blisteringly tired you really are. Could the volume of the bed feeling somehow be turned up?

2) All the lovely kind people who have bought Lix something to wear have gone for size 3-6 months.

3) ECT is finally starting to work. I'm not there yet, and I think that my ability to function is returning before mood, but I definitely felt lighter after the last one. What a relief - I was just beginning to worry that for some reason I'd become resistant to it.

I'm trying not to think too hard about my mental state though, because I'm fed up with trying to assess it. I also don't want to let in a chink of light that makes me feel angry about how I've been robbed of properly enjoying the first month of our baby. So I'll write up the ECT desription once I'm sure I'm better, and it's over (this time). But now I have to go and be milked like a cow. And go to blessed sleep.