TIV - written 15th May

Under the weather


I feel gross. But I look the picture of health.

I have TIV – toddler induced virus. Runny nose? Tick. Sore throat? Tick. Cough? Splutter. Logan goes to nursery, so he picks up bugs like Harper Beckham attracts photographers. Though he could quite easily have got it by licking another child in the playground.

However, in preparation for a wedding on Friday, I had a spray tan yesterday. Given my prior winter paleness, it was quite dramatic. Every single person I have met since has tried to hide their double-take, and said “Gosh, you look so...well!”. By which they meant orange. I mean, my face is practically the same colour as my hair – quite a disturbing look.

Plus it looks especially out of place in this wretched, never-ending, pouring rain.

Hopefully it’ll go down a bit. Though my plan to go tightsless is looking over-optimistic anyway, thanks to the weather. And the fact that I am not married to a footballer.

Anyway, back to Logan. Nursery is great, don’t get me wrong. His trigonometry is coming along nicely, and I think he’ll be ready for the junior world champs in badminton at this rate. But when you’re 1, TIV is as contagious as a bout of saying “uh oh” at nursery. Apparently once one child says it, it takes about 5 minutes for the chorus around the room to fade.

Tips for treating TIV? Sinusitis spray for the nose – unbungs it like nothing else, and yes I know that’s probably medically inadvisable. Gargle with soluble aspirin for the throat – remarkably effective. And make sure you save your worst coughs for when your husband is around, to demonstrate that yours is much worse than his but you are being much braver.

Unfortunately none of these remedies can help the afflicted toddler. The best thing to do with him is to take him to nursery.