Weight loss

I lost weight over Christmas.

I know. I KNOW!

Let me walk you through the feelings you are experiencing right now. They're very natural, and you shouldn't feel ashamed of them.

1) Disbelief. 
Actually, you're right to question this. I have fudged it a bit (if only). I weighed myself this morning, having not done so for about a month. In theory I've been on a diet since the summer, but allowed myself to go off the books over the Christmas fortnight. In practice I took my foot off the accelerator for most of December, and have been scrupulously back on it - and in the gym - for the last ten days.

God knows how big the spike was during the festive gluttony, but I am a whole 0.2lb lighter than my last weigh-in. Please don't stop reading because of this undramatic perspective.

2) Jealousy.
Don't be. I am still fatter than you.

3) Curiosity.
Now is when most people would start doing detective work. But diets are absolutely the most boring thing to talk about. I loathe being on one, hate (thin) people who are always doing the latest fad, and start to tune out after three sentences. So here are the facts, and then we can get it over and done with.

I'm currently about a size 15. Between August and November last year I lost just over a stone, then 'plateaued'. No, I haven't given up booze, not even for January - haven't you met me?

I'm not following a specific diet, just some guidelines that I cobbled together from the gist of all the nutrition and weight-loss advice that I have come across in the last couple of years: less carbs, more veg, protein for breakfast and no sugar. I have ignored the bits that I simply didn't want to do, eg cut out alcohol, or dairy. I mean, you can't do everything can you? 

However this does mean that when I return home after a long day of work, exercise and worthy eating, I make such a beeline for the wine and cheese in the fridge that I regularly bat my children out of the way, flying into the walls they go, clutching the non-edible useless things they made at nursery that day that they were trying to show me.

Now I know a lot of people eat like this all the time anyway. But I am not like them. I find it hard. Hardest of all is giving up the white baguette we often get for lunch on a Saturday, the comfort one gets from pasta, all forms of the blessed potato, praise be upon him...because I am only allowed to eat good carbs, ie the boring ones. But what these people, usually women, consider a treat is the sweet stuff. 

Biscuits, cake, chocolate. Now don't get me wrong, I like them and will happily gorge on them if I've mislaid my willpower. (Note to the drycleaners: thank you for the large box of chocolate biscuits you unexpectedly gave us for Christmas, but please don't do it again next year, as if it weren't for you I probably could have written this a week earlier.) But if I could only choose one food group to eat forever it would be carbs. And anyway, everyone knows that the people who choose puddings over starters are losers.

The other great temptation for me is children's food. During the week, when they're with me, my children eat children's food, you see. Gotta problem with that? Because Logie's got quite fussy, Felix always wants what Logie has, I don't see anything wrong with basically feeding them scraps and a few cupboard or freezer staples, and I didn't eat loads of things until I was in my 20s and it didn't do me any harm (apart from getting fat after university...hmm, maybe there's a connection there...). So I'm not going to plan elaborate meals just for them. At the weekend, they can eat what we eat.

Before you ring Social Services though, Felix eats three meals a day at his daycare nursery two days a week, things he would never eat at home - chickpea curry! And they both have tea at our lovely Algerian childminder's place on a Wednesday, where again they both eat things they would literally throw back in my face if I tried - vegetable soup!

Anyway, the greatest battle I fight is with a leftover fishfinger. The last few mouthfuls of pesto pasta. I can't bear to see food wasted (is often the excuse if I have company). Do you know how hard it is for people like me not to steal a chip from your ungrateful child's plate, especially if you have bought it for them in a cafe and they say they don't want it any more? 

But, my friends, my curious colleagues, you must resist. Either have none, or decide in advance to have them all. You cannot have just one. It is biologically impossible. Remember that. Treat kids' food like kryptonite, sellotape up your mouth at teatime if necessary, but never forget where your true enemy lies.

Of course I have forgotten that, and have gone embarrassingly off piste at a couple of 4-year-old's birthday parties recently. 

Let's not dwell on the spectacle I made of myself there. I leave you with some final advice, which is why you should ignore the 'tips' that often accompany eating plans in the press

• Don't use food as a reward - Why not? Curly kale's not an incentive for anything.
• Keep some nuts or seeds in your officer drawer to snack on - Don't. If it's there, you'll eat it. Remember that all diets are essentially about eating less.
• Have a big drink of water - Not if it's after supper, or you'll have to get up for an extra wee in the night. Then you won't get back to sleep, you'll be tired in the morning, and find yourself  finishing your toddler's peanut butter on toast.
• Don't eat supper too late - If you give up regularly eating with, and cooking for, your husband you'll have a row, then the house will smell of takeaway, then you'll fold. You do the food shopping. You have the power.
• Check the supermarket aisles to see what's seasonal - Don't go near them. Shop online, from a list. Wear blinkers if necessary.
• Don't comfort eat - I can't diet when I'm depressed. When I am, it's one of the few animal pleasures that remain. If you are ill, try not to beat yourself up about anything.
• Wait half an hour and see if you're still hungry - If you could do that, you wouldn't need to be on a fricking diet.