Testosterone

Here's a quiz for you. Don't you just love a quiz?

We even had one at our wedding, which I'm not sure I should admit to. Especially as in subsequent years, more than one person on the winning table has admitted they cheated (iphonically). And those who love quizzes sure hate cheaters.

But it was partly the best man's fault for making it too hard. (He also slightly misfired his speech, bringing out various props that included a dog muzzle.) One wants to average about 7/10 in any quiz, for reasons of morale.

Though no one's spirits ever flag at A Wedding!, not withstanding shoes that hate feet, pre-dinner post-fizz blood sugar fandangos and being forced to 'have a dance' with the faintly creepy friend of someone's parents.

Anyway, it's just one question. Which of the following scenarios has nothing to do with testosterone levels?

1) The involuntary grunt that my husband emitted last night whilst watching 'Engineering Giants'. They were showing the outer layer of a 747's fuselage and explaining that the slight dimples you could see would be pushed out and smooth at altitude.

2) David Cameron revealing to a bunch of Glamour-reading women at Downing St on Thursday morning that he never wears a watch or a wedding ring. (NB it wasn't an inane event – I was there.)

3) The territorial roar that Logan does around other children. The hitting’s not quite so bad now, but he is rather menacing. When his friend Florence came to play on Thursday afternoon he did a lot of standing right behind her, threateningly breathing biscuit breath into her ear. And occasionally bumping her gently with his tummy, in the hope that she might fall over.

The answer is none of them. Probably.

Science says that making proper hot chocolate, in a pan, and bringing it to me in bed just before watching a programme about building planes proves that all is normal on the male hormone front.

I daresay some women also find it interesting that ‘in an industry where safety is paramount, even a toilet is a highly-engineered bit of kit’. But a man in safety specs explaining how he has 'an ear for the perfect flush' does leave me a bit cold.

Who cares whether Dave wears any metal between his wrists and fingertips? It is MEANINGLESS. The only reason people get het up is they think it’s another posh stick with which to beat him. (Ooh, Prince William doesn’t wear a wedding ring either, it’s a toff conspiracy!)

My husband wears both, but it does fox me why he has to take them off to bath Logan, especially as his watch is waterproof.

For a while now, I’ve been hanging onto a factoid that a friend told me – at this age, boys experience a surge of testosterone unlike any other apart from puberty. So Logan’s caveman aggression could be chemically explicable.

Sadly, I just looked it up on the internet, and this surge actually happens at the age of four. Not one and a half. So we’re back to just-trying-to-communicate, frustration or auditioning-for-Braveheart-2 explanations. It’s not a quiz I’m very good at.